27 Jul

Our Curious Position

Saroyan on his deathbed said,
“I thought I would never die…”

I know what he meant:
I think of myself forever rolling a cart through a supermarket looking for onions, potatoes and bread while watching the misshapen and droll ladies push by.I think of myself forever driving the freeway looking through a dirty windshield with the radio tuned to something I don’t want to hear.
I think of myself forever tilted back in a dentist’s chair
mouth crocodiled open musing that I’m in Who’s Who In America.
I think of myself forever in a room with a depressed and unhappy woman.
I think of myself forever in the bathtub farting underwater watching the bubbles and feeling proud.

but dead, no…
blood pin-pointed out of the nostrils,
my head cracking across the desk
my fingers grabbing at dark space…
impossible…

I think of myself forever sitting upon the edge of the bed in my shorts with toenail clippers cracking off huge ugly chunks of nail
as I smile while my white cat sits in the window looking out over the town as the telephone rings…

in between the punctuating agonies life is such a gentle habit:
I understand what Saroyan meant:

I think of myself forever walking down the stairs opening the door walking to the mailbox and finding that all that advertising which I don’t believe either.

-charles bukowski

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